Day 181

'Planted', Pen and Marker on Paper

Day 180

'Highlight of my day', Pen and marker on Paper

Day 179

'Umbrella', Pen on Paper

Day 178

'A little more Drive', Pen on Paper

Day 177

'Let's Stick together'

Day 176

'Smoking Skillls', Pen on Paper

Day 175

'Duly noted', Pen and Watercolour on Paper

Day 174

'Go Fish?' Pen on Paper

Day 173

'Drum up', Pen on paper

Day 172

'A Staple Diet', Pen and Marker on Paper

Day 171

'phone it in', Pen on Paper

Day 170

'gig', pen on paper

Day 169

'Smudger', Pencil on Paper

My brother had asked me to do a some drawing for a friend of his and after a few false starts, finally getting round to actually getting it done, so today's drawing is a rough portrait which needs to be simplified and redrafted over the next day or so... and I'll be adding more to this post as it nears completion

rough drafts

Day 168

'Bag it up', Pen on Paper

Day 167

'Stick your neck out', Pen on Paper

Back to the world of illustration again, a world that I'm beginning to like more and more as these drawings provide a bit of light relief every now and again, that and they allow me to think more creatively. I'm not entirely sure what chain of events led to this particular drawing today only that for some reason I had it in my head that I wanted to draw a turtle. I find that in most cases this is sometimes the easiest way to generate work or in a more broader context more possibilities. The thing you always need when undertaking any task is a starting point and a lot of times these aren't easy to come by. So instead you stall by doing other mundane tasks as you attempt to put your mind elsewhere in the hope that an idea will sneak up on you. Then when that fails you take random thoughts and throw them at each other hoping that they may strike off each other causing a spark bright enough to ignite an idea. So having an unforgettable notion, an initial thought however unfocussed and raw it may be the important thing is that you have somewhere to start. As such you are much more likely to generate purpose and direction as you begin to brainstorm the multitude of different ways that you can take that notion forward, finding each tangent, each path and following it not always as far as it's conclusion but far enough to decide what is the most appropriate at the that specific time. The only worry with these types of ideas is that we can sometimes decide what it should be before we've even begun to consider what it could be. This then means that these ideas are all too easy to become lost in as whilst there are many paths to follow there are almost as many dead ends. This leads us to struggle to get some ideas off the page as we can't seem to refine them enough or get passed the numerous roadblocks we have set ourselves. The effect is then that we may end up with many fragments of possibility, ideas that can either become lost to the ether or only exist as empty regurgitated promises that we are never likely to keep. I think one of the main issues we can have is that if something exists as an idea there is always the possibility that it can be more. On the other hand if we actually make it a reality then it may become an actual failed idea rather than one that may or may not work. As I think I've mentioned before it's sometimes only by taking a risk that we can get the reward. Actually come to think about it possible from what I've hashed out over the last few hundred words it's now a little clearer as to the train of thought that led to today's drawing... well that and I like turtles.

Day 166

'Too much whining', Pen on Paper

I think we can fall into the habit of complaining too much and sometimes it is practically impossible not to, In fact on further dissection of the words set to follow that statement that will become all the more clear. As essentially it is going to be me complaining about complaining, the irony of which is not lost on me yet I'll continue regardless as it doesn't make it any less true. The ability to complain about things is a God given right and one that we expend with wanton abandon for every minor inconvenience that we face. Sure sometimes it is justified as we are truly and undoubtedly hindered by the stupidity of someone or something, which is fine but there are times when we get upset by things that are nothing sort of a miraculous in the first place. What I'm referring to is what with all the amazing technological, cultural and social advancements that have come to pass in our lifetime and numerous others before that we are never content. We have created conveniences in our life that mean travelling across the world takes a few hours rather than a few years and involving most of the people who set out on the initial journey perishing along the way. It is a time when information is readily available at the touch of a few buttons rather than an exhaustive search through volumes of texts. Contacting someone is practically instant no matter whether they are a few metres away or a few hundred miles, essentially things have been made increasingly easy for us. This convenience we have created has brought a sense of entitlement we now feel that we deserve these things and to be without them is just plain nonsensical and absolutely abhorrent. When we lose signal during a phone call, we get delayed for a few hours on a runway or we lose internet connection our world comes to a stand still and we fall to our knees screaming 'Pourquoi?....' as the heavens open upon us and we curse whatever deity we happen to worship. No matter how seemingly important or significant these things may seem we are essentially bitching and moaning about a momentary lapse in something that would have once been inconceivable. We have an existence that is now cluttered with extravagances and luxuries and as I alluded to before once we become used to something it is difficult to live without it even though we've been doing fine up until now. I mean I know it's not easy but next time you get riled up about something like this take a few moments to consider that maybe even as little as a few years ago, you didn't have it this easy... well that and you whine too much.

Day 165

'Guarded', Pen on Paper

It's common to worry about leaving yourself open or vulnerable to the many risks that exist in life whether they be the emotional, the physical or the potentially non-existent that are for some reason highly pertinent due to the hypochondriac in all of us. We find ways to protect ourselves from physical damage by actioning precautionary measures each time we decide to do something with a potential risk, draping ourselves from head to toe in purposely designed equipment whose aim is to make it hurt just that little bit less. We hide from emotional pain through various coping mechanisms such as humour, avoidance, denial and ignorance in the hope that steering clear will keep us from hurting just that little bit less. In the case of those dangers that we create out of nothing they are born out of a paranoia that resonates from the part of our minds steeped in anxiety, causing us to over think, overreact and overemphasise dangers that aren't really there. The difference here being that we create the possibility of grave danger and unimaginable consequences in a bid to justify our reason for avoiding something that is only mildly perilous. We tend to circumvent much of the potential confrontation in our lives as we are simply afraid of failing, of making a fool of ourselves or of becoming something we detest. It may also be a fear or losing something that when you actually think about it we only have a tenuous grasp of at best, as we are not prepared to throw ourselves in our entirety into it. It all boils down essentially to being scared of change and the notions of what change can bring, how relationships can change, how we cope with change and how change can catch us off guard. As a result it is sometimes difficult to overcome these fears and allow the possibilities of what could be to outweigh the worries of what we have decided will be. As I mentioned recently though there is no reward without an element of risk so whilst it is important to be careful, tread to carefully and we may never make our mark.

Day 163

'Hats off to you', Pen and Marker on Paper.

A lot of people I know are doing interesting and exciting things with their lives at the moment. The sort of things that can cause the best of us to receive a visit from the green eyed monster, in which they may thoroughly overstay their welcome. I know people that are not only living, but living it up in other countries which are not only foreign in terms of where they are but in terms of the entire culture they have now been immersed and thrive in. There are people travelling the world and conquering it one city at a time, all the while broadening and expand their horizons in ways that I find it difficult to even begin to fathom. I know people that are either starting their own businesses or have simply decided enough is enough and have cast asunder the abhorrent shackles of their humdrum vocation. Now they chase something more challenging, more rewarding and more in line with the dreams they had as a child. Whilst I could go on, and maybe even on a little further, by listing the numerous ways in which people are doing things that cast a tall shadow that envelopes much of us with a feeling of inadequacy... I won't. Instead I want to offer a tip of the hat to those people as they all have one thing in common, that being that they crave something more they are no longer content to coast by like the rest of the masses. Instead they want... neigh need to break free from that monotony that entraps many of us and seek something different. They may be taking a risk which admittedly may not work out but the point is they are at least attempting to do so. So whilst it's easy to be envious of these people and covet their very existence, it's also important to consider that it's not easy doing what they are doing and you  really have to respect them for that.

Day 162

'How to turn a hoodie into an Octopus', Pen on Paper

A friend of mine was having a nautical themed leaving party as they were heading off to New Zealand, so I needed to think of a costume and after toying around with a few ideas I settled on this. It was something that seemed fairly simple to do and most of the materials I needed I had laying around already. There's not much more to say about the drawing as I think it's pretty self explanatory, so I suppose now is as good a time as any to talk about goodbyes. Goodbyes are something that we don't always get the chance to say and sometimes when we do it's never as poignant and bitter-sweet as we'd intended. As is already it is difficult enough for us to let go of a lot of the material things in our life as once we have had the pleasure of having them it is difficult to then imagine life without. It is difficult enough at the best of times for us to cope when we lose a meaningless and unnecessary object that really is only there for our convenience. So it is easy to understand why it's so difficult to say goodbye to something that we actually care about, that being our friends, family and loved ones, in saying this however understanding doesn't make it any easier. The unfortunate thing about it though is that for the most part when we had the chance to spend time with these people who are soon to leave our life we never made the most of it. In stead we were neglectful and now that we realise that our future interactions will be limited we scramble for a few more precious yet fleeting moments of their company before we must part ways. It is again a symptom of putting of until tomorrow something that we really should have done today. Furthermore once the goodbyes have been said it then becomes about trying to remaining in touch, making sure to reconnect whenever and wherever possible to stop yourselves from drifting apart. The inevitability is that more often then enough we fail to keep our promise to stay in touch and slowly these people become nothing more than nostalgic memories of things that once were. I think someone else possibly summed it up best when they said, 'Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye', goodbyes are the hardest part of any relationship especially when you're worried that you may never get the chance to say hello again. Personally I hate goodbyes for this reason, but I do believe that there are some people that we just refuse to let go. As such with them it's never a case of saying goodbye but more I'll see you soon, as we know that someday we'll meet again.

Day 161

'Mightier than sword', Pen on Paper

They say that the pen is mightier than the sword in that the written word and communication is more powerful than war and violence ever could be. What makes the pen so powerful is that most of what we understand about the world comes from the written word and the information passed down throughout generations. Sure there have been wars for independence, there have been wars that have ended tyranny and wars that have seen nations grow and some all but disappear. It could be said that war has the ability to change the world and it does however the irony is that whilst violence can change so much it is mostly through the medium of the written word and communication that we even know that these things have taken place. When you think of it whilst violence may have the ability to hurt, maim and injure it is words that have the ability to convey forgiveness, generate peace and the act of communication is key in the building, re-building and restructuring of civilisations. In saying this it is also key to consider the destructive power of the word in being able to ravish reputations, overthrow governments, undermine authority and shatter the credibility of those seen to be in power. It is then a case that the pen has the ability not only to heal but to destroy as well and if you consider the gossip fuelled tabloid society that we exist in today it is even more visible as to the power that the written word has, even if it doesn't appear in it's traditional from. The emergence of the information age, what with television, tabloid journalism, the internet and the mobile telephone mean that word spreads much more quickly than ever before. The result is that in order to cripple someone's credibility and thus lead to the slow collapse of the life they lead, it is no longer necessary to announce their discrepancies with an almighty roar... Instead an unassuming yet mischievous 'tweet' is loud enough to be heard the world over. The problem that exists now is that the level of information that is hurled at us on a daily basis, partially as we seem to have developed a much shorter attention span, means we can become lost in a sea of opinion as we get easily distracted by another celebrities latest dalliance, wardrobe malfunction or complete and utter public meltdown and humiliation. Furthermore what with the multitude of outlets that anyone with an opinion, a PC and a few hours of there time can quite easily access and begin churning out page after page of hateful slurs, insane rumours and conspiracy filled bullshit it becomes difficult to not take everything we read with a pinch of salt. The word losses some of it's weight as instead of the intelligent, the learned and the well versed given us the information it comes from hacks, idiots and twenty-somethings whose idea of journalism revolves around wearing skinny jeans, back combing their hair and shouting profanities through a microphone whilst asking people which Thundercat they most identify with. In saying this though it is still always going to be the case that the word will have more weight than an act of violence, as much more can be accomplished from the word and indeed without the word these acts of violence would have no legacy as no one would know about them. With all this said I would like you to think about one last thing, that being that whilst the pen is considered to be mightier than the sword, a picture is said to be capable of painting a thousand words. Would it then be safe to assume that the image is much more powerful than the word or is it a case that the visual is just a further method of validation that has become more necessary due to the way in which the word is now used.

Day 160

'There's no need to be bitter', Pen and Marker Paper

A lot of people seem to have a problem with letting things go, any small or slight wrong doing that occurs between two people leaves both parties unable to forgive, unable to forget and unable to move forward. The feeling of hatred bubbles just below the surface all the while intensifying and in some cases poisoning the minds of those around them not directly involved in the initial fracas. This is because when someone has a problem with another member of a network of people they always make sure you know exactly what they did, how wrong they are and how justified their behaviour is in return. There seems to be a necessity to show themselves as the real victim when sometimes this really isn't the case and you are in the position to see this clearly. As the thing is that you know both parties so obviously you hear both sides of the story and are able to judge for yourself who is clearly in the wrong. The problem is though you end up trapped in bizarre hostility tug-of-war, wherein you can't exactly take sides but are expected to. Not only this but when you actually look at the situation from afar you can see just how petty these people are being and how the longer this goes unresolved the further they drift from reason. The problem is that in these situations bitterness, stubbornness and lunacy overwhelm judgement and rational thought so people are incapable of forgiveness. Well the truth is there is no need to be bitter as all it does generate unnecessary conflict, what you should do is be the bigger person and take steps to resolve the animosity even if you not the one to blame. It's not something that is easy to do but once you get over the initial hurdle you'll look back and barely be able to remember the reason you ever had a problem in the first place, infact you may even have a good old laugh about it.

Day 159

'Under lock and key', Pen and Marker on Paper.

There are many things that we possess or care for that we deem as too precious to be let roam unsupervised and as such they must be kept safe and sound under lock and key. What then happens is these things rarely see the the light of day instead they sit gathering dust only to be let lose on the world during special occasions or when it's deemed appropriate. The issue is then that these things that we possess or care about essentially aren't fulfilling their intended purpose, as the worry is that if we use them too much or if we give them too much freedom they might become damaged or broken beyond repair. The reason we get like this stems from the fact that we are protective and possessive creatures that find it difficult trusting those around us to take the same care and consideration as we do when in the presence of the things we love. Yet for some reason if we place ourselves in the shoes of those that we don't trust and look at it from their point of view we then can't understand why we can't behold the precious item, why we can't have the opportunity of experience it's diverting merriment or why we can't just place our grubby little hands all over it so that we can inspect it further. We then have two sets of expectations one for ourselves and one for everyone else. We expect that other people will respect our decision to forbid them the pleasure of the company of those things we hold dear, whilst simultaneously offering us full access to the treasure trove of interesting things that they have in their possession. This behaviour is also not confined to the objects we own but it also applies to certain people that we hope to shield from the dangers of the world. Our over protective nature means that we tend to attempt to save our loved ones from things that they may not even need saving from. It's again this trust issue that clouds our judgement and doesn't allow us to back off, instead we stand over their shoulder watching intently and being more of a hindrance than a help. Sometimes we need to realise that it's not always the right thing to do to keep things locked away, sometimes they need to be shared and sometimes they need to be able to have a the need space to breath and shake of the dust they've been gathering.

Day 158

'Killing Butterflies', Pen and Watercolour on Paper

'Killing Butterflies' is something that I heard recently that I found to have a certain violent poeticism to it, the phrase being in reference to having butterflies in your stomach. More specifically overcoming said butterflies and in turn that nervous feeling that you get when coming close to taking part in something potentially life changing or simply a little frightening. Throughout our life there will be many occasions where we will get that feeling that causes our stomach to twist in knots and every limb of our body to forget how to function as we become increasingly agitated at the mere thought of taking our first steps. It is the feeling that has us arguing with the voice of reason citing the adrenaline fuelled thrill of overcoming our fears as the main evidence in our case. There is this strange energy that encompasses us making forward momentum difficult as we sheepishly test the waters before retreating back to our comfort zone. There is an awkward to and fro, a duality to the situation that hinges upon the abject fear of the unfamiliar versus the warming glow of accomplishment. We tend to teeter on the edge between the two until either reason or stupidity outweighs the other and we finally make a decision as to what we should do. These moments then are ruled by a nervous energy that is reason why it is so difficult to go through with, whilst simultaneously being the main factor responsible for spurring us on to go ahead with it. It just takes a moment of clarity of lunacy to allows us to kill a few of the butterflies and push ourselves in the direction that we need to be moving.

Day 157

'Burned Out', Pen and Watercolour on Paper

It's again gotten to a point were too many late nights, too many sleepless nights and too many long days in between have left me feeling anything but fresh. We often end up feeling like this and the mental and physical fatigue caused by burning ourself out leaves you in a strangely disorientated state, often times we even end up physically ill as well. The effect of this disorientated state is that even the simplest of tasks becomes a momentous uphill struggle as we are barely capable of processing thoughts, our motor skills and co-ordination has all but left us and the ability to string together a few words into a meaningful sentence has been replaced with a series of mumbles, murmurs and vaguely audible grunts. It is important that when we get this way that we realise that the only road to recovery starts with rest and recuperation, otherwise it become much more detrimental to our health as the days pass. One upside of getting this way though is just how revitalised and reborn we feel after recovering, it's almost as if we forgot what it was like to feel this way. The day has never been so fresh, the air has never been so crisp, life has never been so easy and the spring in your step has sprung you forth to conquer a world that only yesterday seemed to be baring down upon you with a weight so  unfathomable you thought you might just explode... well you didn't explode, your're more together than ever and ready for anything.

Day 156

'Some people are out of control', Pen on Paper

Some people seem to have the inability to keep things grounded, they let aspects of their lives spiral out of control and are unable to comprehend why things have gotten that way. They haven't the capacity for subtlety or tact when dealing with a sensitive situation, they are quick to shift the blame onto someone else and incapable of shouldering any of the responsibility for themselves. Furthermore the more chances they are given the more the seem to fuck things up, much to the detriment, frustration and irritation of those around them. These people constantly have one finger on the self destruct button and are giving a second finger to those who are only trying to help, where then comes the point where you must draw the line? At what point do we stop throwing life lines to those people that are incapable of seeing exactly how much of an idiot they are being and leave them to their own devices, rather than allowing them to drag those around them deeper into the mire as well. The problem lies in that we understand that things can sometimes get on top of you and  it's easy to let things get out of hand, it happens to all of us at some point and as such we can empathise with these people. Also there exists an element of sympathy and compassion in all of us makes it difficult to cut all ties, whilst on the other hand it brings us close enough to see just how futile and frustrating our efforts are. In the end it normally gets to the point when our patience is tested to breaking point and it just so happens that this is a test that we fail miserably. The overwhelming consequences of their actions just becomes too much for us to take and finally we can realise that for our own sanity, possibly even for others, it is best that we create some distance otherwise lose control ourselves. There are only so many times someone can be bailed out before the weight of their actions leaves them too heavily ladened for us to be able to drag them to safety. It is in these times when they have no-one whose affections they can abuse to escape from owning up to the responsibility of the chaos that they have generated that either makes or breaks them. They will either realise the error of their ways and reform allowing them to flourish or they ignore the warnings and slip further into chaos. From our point of view it is a difficult thing to see but unfortunately sometimes the only thing we can do is limit the impact these people can have. As whilst we may not be able to help bring them under control we can at least control the affect that they have on us and those around them.

Day 155

'How longs it been?' Pen on Paper

Following on from yesterday, in terms of reflecting on the past, there is a question that is often uttered or pondered when something has been absent from our life for any particular stretch of time, that being, 'How longs it been?' It happens when we bump into someone we haven't seen in a long time, when we think about the last time we were in a particular place and even the last time we quaffed a certain beverage or scoffed a certain foodstuff. In what ever parameters that it comes about we then spend the immediate moments after involved in recollecting multiple memories and stories that are supposedly connected yet somehow fairly disjointed in order to approximate the date, day and time of the particular event. The type of circumstances we link to the more specific memory that we are recalling range from the time a specific song was on the radio to the time someone did something idiotic to the time when you favourite musician/actor/sports personality won/did something significant. The links are normally pretty tenuous to say the least but are none the less amassed together in order to more accurately pinpoint the exact instance that the event occurred. The thing is though that the nature of the series of events we have chosen to string together is that they are practically unrelated, other than the fact that we believe them to have happened at a similar time. Essentially then we are trying to give a specific time frame for an event to have happened, solely based on a series of disjointed and unrelated events that again we cant really be sure as to the exact time that they happened. Our perception of time then in these moments is anything but accurate in terms of how long it actually has been, however one thing is unmistakeable we never forget how it feels to experience that event again. Whilst our perception of time can become diluted or blurred, our senses are not fooled as easily meaning that whilst we may not be able to recall the exact time that something happened we can't forget how it made us feel. As a result the value of time is relegated to being secondary, so when we ask ourselves 'how long it has been' it's not really about the actuality of the span of time that has passed. Instead it is more about trying to express the scale of the void caused by not experiencing the emotion or sensory overload caused by that exact stimulus or situation last time round.

Day 154

'On a scale of now to then', Pen on Paper

When we are young we often have dreams and hopes of things that we want to achieve as we grow up. We also normally have in mind an approximate time scale as to when we want to achieve those things. However for one reason or another, normally as life doesn't really go to plan as much as we would like, these hopes and dreams can fall by the wayside. So when we look back at our life on a scale of now to then we can see that much of what we had planned or envisioned ourselves doing has not come to fruition. Reflecting on our past dreams now though it becomes evident that many of them were destined to never come to pass. the reason  being that when we are young and naive the way in which we looked at the world and how it was described to us by those who had experienced much of life already was that we could achieve anything if we just believed enough. However the harsh reality is that believing simply just isn't enough it also takes hard work, commitment and direction. The problem is then that this is never really explained to us in our youth, possibly as the concepts of reality and how difficult life can be are either too foreign to grasp or are merely hidden from us by our elders rather than risk distorting the innocent wonderment with which we perceive the world. Our elders decision to hide the harsh facts of life from us so that we can grow up at our own pace though has an adverse effect. Which is that we are a lot less prepared to reach our goals as for the most part we learn about how difficult things can be from experience rather than education. People worry too much about how something will effect a young mind, how it may warp or damage the fragility of innocence that they tend to glaze over the truth. The strangeness of this is that the things that they shield us from we will inevitably come into contact with any way, so is it not more worthwhile to prepare us for those eventualities so that we can better deal with them. Now I'm not suggesting that we stomp on an young child's dreams by telling them it can never happen it's more about nurturing them in such a way as to help them understand when it doesn't.

There is a lot that can be learned in the present from looking back at our childhood as this was when we dared to dream the most when we were least scared of the possibilities. The reasons being that we lacked a fear of the unknown as most of what we experienced was new to us and the only real limitations we had were our own imagination, our naivety and our constant indecision... one day we wanted to be a policeman, the next a cowboy and the next an astronaut. Whilst many of our dreams may not have been specifically grounded in reality we saw the possibility and didn't allow rational to hinder us. In our old age and wisdom it is this rational that has instilled a new found fear of the unknown that is the main thing now holding us back. The fear of not knowing if something will pan out, not knowing if we'll be able to pay our bills, not knowing whether we have the necessary skills to make it happen or simply not knowing what we would do if it actually worked. We decide before we have even begun that the probability of failure far outweighs the feasibility of success meaning that we don't even try. It is important then to learn from the unbridled potential we saw in the world as a child and with the benefit of experience and the ability to differentiate between reality and fantasy now begin to reassess those things that have not yet come to pass. The reason being there is still time to achieve them and whilst we may be afraid that it will crumble and slip from our grasp there is no reward without risk. We understand that if we don't try we can't fail but we also can't succeed either unless we decide to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Essentially then it all boils down to looking back at all the things that we haven't done, thinking about why we haven't done it yet and figuring out how we can now do it.

Day 153

'Trying to think of the word but honestly... I'm stumped', Pen on Paper

We often have that problem when explaining or describing something where I can't quite seem to find the right word and the most  irritating thing being that you know exactly what it is your trying to describe but for whatever reason the word just plain refuses to come out. Instead the word perches silently at the back of your throat gently teasing you by almost making itself audible only to dissolve its oration before it has the chance to roll off your tongue. What then happens is you mentally scroll through the rest of your lexicon of words trying to find something similar enough to force the little bastard out of hiding, the problem is though your trying to think of a secondary word that describes a subject that is best described by the first initial word that you couldn't quite recall. Then if you attempt to source the help of others by attempting to describe the basic parameters of how and where the word would exist it only adds to the confusion. The reasons being, firstly that as we are unable to recall what it is we are trying to say, how then can we possibly describe it in such a way that someone else would be able to guess it. If it were possible that we were able to describe it well enough for someone else to guess the word then surely the word would have already come to mind as we articulated our explanation. Secondly, and partially as a result of our inability to describe what we are trying to say, the person were are involving is too far removed from the original context in which the word was considered to fully grasp our intended meaning. The result being then that the possibilities that they are stating are in no way similar and it only causes things to become more indecipherable and perplexing. 

 So it is fortunate then that eventually the word does come to mind normally when we are in the process of carrying out some sort of remedial and generic task. Which more often than not involves us having one of those eureka moments that involves us shouting out the word in front of a rather bemused group of people and then having to explain our actions. Also thought it was worth noting that I have since discovered that the word that describes this inability to recall words is 'lethologica' which in itself is quite difficult to recall so I'll probably forget that the next time I try to use it.

Day 152

'Comfort', Pen on Paper

We all have our ways of unwinding after a long days work it can be something relatively simple that starts us on the path to recovery, the main aim of this path is of course to get us to a point were we are ready to suffer the whole ordeal again the very next day. It could be that we come home and change out of our work clothes slipping into something more comfortable, we might put on some music and belt out a few hits, maybe we choose to veg out in front of the TV or stick on a movie, we may find that food is the key to easing our stresses or possibly even a cool refreshing beverage is what we need to take the edge off. In any case comfort is more often than not achieved  through the use of non essential objects and items, the types of things that we can easily survive without yet once we have them it is difficult to imagine how we managed to exist before their discovery. Further more we then become very much dependant on these objects as without them our wind down is near impossible but with them it is instantaneous. We again fall victim to the ritualistic nature that is so engrained in us and as a result the slightest deviation from our routine can have a huge affect on how we carry into the following day as if we are unable to unwind one evening we tend to be fairly wound up the next morning ready to snap at a moments notice.

Day 151

'Selective Hearing', Pen and Marker on Paper

Sometimes we hear everything and other times we chose to ignore those mutterings, those whose audibility we don't want to even consider acknowledging, as to do so would suggest that it exists within the realm of rational thought. Whilst ignoring much of what someone is saying can be considered rude the truth of the matter is we have to do this for our own sanity. If we don't censor or drown out the incessant meandering drivel that spills out of people's mouths like piping hot horribly made coffee, each syllabic drop of the conversation splashing onto your lap causing a searing pain that makes you want to scream uncontrollably but you can't because it's not what you do when your in the company of others... that is unless your happy to look like a complete asshole. It becomes about being able to pick out the key elements of a conversation so as to appear as though you actually give a shit, when the truth may be anything but and although it may seem a difficult skill to master you need not fret. The reason I say this is that most of the people who you actually have to do this with constantly are pretty happy to hear the sound of their own voice. So as long as you allow them to rattle on and utilise a few of the following techniques you'll do fine:

- A few affirmative grunts coupled with a nod of acknowledgement. (to show how intensely your listening) 

- A laugh of disbelief whilst saying in your high pitched surprised voice... 'really!' (to show that what you just haven't heard was absolutely shocking)  

- The old shake you head and make a 'pffhhhh' sound with your mouth (to show that there are no words to describe just how upsetting that thing you didn't actual hear was)

- Offer to do something for them that involves some sort of manual task that could be fraught with possible dangers. Something like making a cup of tea, what with all the hot water used or power sanding a donkeys hooves what with all the potential for groin kicks. The specifics of the task are not important but as the task is slathered in risk it requires your attention, meaning people are more understanding if you miss out parts of their story. 

- Keep your responses non specific and to a minimum, as short phrases can potentially act as a response to numerous questions.

The thing is it doesn't really matter if you're not really paying that much attention as normally feigning interest will get you through most interactions. Mainly as the people that you are most likely having to partially ignore aren't even aware as to just how bored, uninterested and close you are to forcing yourself into a self induced coma. The reason being that, as I said a few short sentences ago, they love the sound of their own voice. Their own self involvement in what they're saying means that you could take a trip to the salon and get you nails did, build an effigy of Lou Diamond Phillips out of cat hair and sticks or even have a little nap in the middle and they would be none the wiser. Its a self congratulatory, masturbatory fantasy where they are at the centre of existence and would happily talk over every sentence that you try and utter, as no matter what it is you have achieved they have done the same thing only better. It is for this reason that we should never feel bad for sometimes not paying full attention as they are clearly not paying full attention to us or they would realise just how little we actually care about the predominately one sided conversation that is occurring.