Day 157

'Burned Out', Pen and Watercolour on Paper

It's again gotten to a point were too many late nights, too many sleepless nights and too many long days in between have left me feeling anything but fresh. We often end up feeling like this and the mental and physical fatigue caused by burning ourself out leaves you in a strangely disorientated state, often times we even end up physically ill as well. The effect of this disorientated state is that even the simplest of tasks becomes a momentous uphill struggle as we are barely capable of processing thoughts, our motor skills and co-ordination has all but left us and the ability to string together a few words into a meaningful sentence has been replaced with a series of mumbles, murmurs and vaguely audible grunts. It is important that when we get this way that we realise that the only road to recovery starts with rest and recuperation, otherwise it become much more detrimental to our health as the days pass. One upside of getting this way though is just how revitalised and reborn we feel after recovering, it's almost as if we forgot what it was like to feel this way. The day has never been so fresh, the air has never been so crisp, life has never been so easy and the spring in your step has sprung you forth to conquer a world that only yesterday seemed to be baring down upon you with a weight so  unfathomable you thought you might just explode... well you didn't explode, your're more together than ever and ready for anything.

Day 156

'Some people are out of control', Pen on Paper

Some people seem to have the inability to keep things grounded, they let aspects of their lives spiral out of control and are unable to comprehend why things have gotten that way. They haven't the capacity for subtlety or tact when dealing with a sensitive situation, they are quick to shift the blame onto someone else and incapable of shouldering any of the responsibility for themselves. Furthermore the more chances they are given the more the seem to fuck things up, much to the detriment, frustration and irritation of those around them. These people constantly have one finger on the self destruct button and are giving a second finger to those who are only trying to help, where then comes the point where you must draw the line? At what point do we stop throwing life lines to those people that are incapable of seeing exactly how much of an idiot they are being and leave them to their own devices, rather than allowing them to drag those around them deeper into the mire as well. The problem lies in that we understand that things can sometimes get on top of you and  it's easy to let things get out of hand, it happens to all of us at some point and as such we can empathise with these people. Also there exists an element of sympathy and compassion in all of us makes it difficult to cut all ties, whilst on the other hand it brings us close enough to see just how futile and frustrating our efforts are. In the end it normally gets to the point when our patience is tested to breaking point and it just so happens that this is a test that we fail miserably. The overwhelming consequences of their actions just becomes too much for us to take and finally we can realise that for our own sanity, possibly even for others, it is best that we create some distance otherwise lose control ourselves. There are only so many times someone can be bailed out before the weight of their actions leaves them too heavily ladened for us to be able to drag them to safety. It is in these times when they have no-one whose affections they can abuse to escape from owning up to the responsibility of the chaos that they have generated that either makes or breaks them. They will either realise the error of their ways and reform allowing them to flourish or they ignore the warnings and slip further into chaos. From our point of view it is a difficult thing to see but unfortunately sometimes the only thing we can do is limit the impact these people can have. As whilst we may not be able to help bring them under control we can at least control the affect that they have on us and those around them.

Day 155

'How longs it been?' Pen on Paper

Following on from yesterday, in terms of reflecting on the past, there is a question that is often uttered or pondered when something has been absent from our life for any particular stretch of time, that being, 'How longs it been?' It happens when we bump into someone we haven't seen in a long time, when we think about the last time we were in a particular place and even the last time we quaffed a certain beverage or scoffed a certain foodstuff. In what ever parameters that it comes about we then spend the immediate moments after involved in recollecting multiple memories and stories that are supposedly connected yet somehow fairly disjointed in order to approximate the date, day and time of the particular event. The type of circumstances we link to the more specific memory that we are recalling range from the time a specific song was on the radio to the time someone did something idiotic to the time when you favourite musician/actor/sports personality won/did something significant. The links are normally pretty tenuous to say the least but are none the less amassed together in order to more accurately pinpoint the exact instance that the event occurred. The thing is though that the nature of the series of events we have chosen to string together is that they are practically unrelated, other than the fact that we believe them to have happened at a similar time. Essentially then we are trying to give a specific time frame for an event to have happened, solely based on a series of disjointed and unrelated events that again we cant really be sure as to the exact time that they happened. Our perception of time then in these moments is anything but accurate in terms of how long it actually has been, however one thing is unmistakeable we never forget how it feels to experience that event again. Whilst our perception of time can become diluted or blurred, our senses are not fooled as easily meaning that whilst we may not be able to recall the exact time that something happened we can't forget how it made us feel. As a result the value of time is relegated to being secondary, so when we ask ourselves 'how long it has been' it's not really about the actuality of the span of time that has passed. Instead it is more about trying to express the scale of the void caused by not experiencing the emotion or sensory overload caused by that exact stimulus or situation last time round.

Day 154

'On a scale of now to then', Pen on Paper

When we are young we often have dreams and hopes of things that we want to achieve as we grow up. We also normally have in mind an approximate time scale as to when we want to achieve those things. However for one reason or another, normally as life doesn't really go to plan as much as we would like, these hopes and dreams can fall by the wayside. So when we look back at our life on a scale of now to then we can see that much of what we had planned or envisioned ourselves doing has not come to fruition. Reflecting on our past dreams now though it becomes evident that many of them were destined to never come to pass. the reason  being that when we are young and naive the way in which we looked at the world and how it was described to us by those who had experienced much of life already was that we could achieve anything if we just believed enough. However the harsh reality is that believing simply just isn't enough it also takes hard work, commitment and direction. The problem is then that this is never really explained to us in our youth, possibly as the concepts of reality and how difficult life can be are either too foreign to grasp or are merely hidden from us by our elders rather than risk distorting the innocent wonderment with which we perceive the world. Our elders decision to hide the harsh facts of life from us so that we can grow up at our own pace though has an adverse effect. Which is that we are a lot less prepared to reach our goals as for the most part we learn about how difficult things can be from experience rather than education. People worry too much about how something will effect a young mind, how it may warp or damage the fragility of innocence that they tend to glaze over the truth. The strangeness of this is that the things that they shield us from we will inevitably come into contact with any way, so is it not more worthwhile to prepare us for those eventualities so that we can better deal with them. Now I'm not suggesting that we stomp on an young child's dreams by telling them it can never happen it's more about nurturing them in such a way as to help them understand when it doesn't.

There is a lot that can be learned in the present from looking back at our childhood as this was when we dared to dream the most when we were least scared of the possibilities. The reasons being that we lacked a fear of the unknown as most of what we experienced was new to us and the only real limitations we had were our own imagination, our naivety and our constant indecision... one day we wanted to be a policeman, the next a cowboy and the next an astronaut. Whilst many of our dreams may not have been specifically grounded in reality we saw the possibility and didn't allow rational to hinder us. In our old age and wisdom it is this rational that has instilled a new found fear of the unknown that is the main thing now holding us back. The fear of not knowing if something will pan out, not knowing if we'll be able to pay our bills, not knowing whether we have the necessary skills to make it happen or simply not knowing what we would do if it actually worked. We decide before we have even begun that the probability of failure far outweighs the feasibility of success meaning that we don't even try. It is important then to learn from the unbridled potential we saw in the world as a child and with the benefit of experience and the ability to differentiate between reality and fantasy now begin to reassess those things that have not yet come to pass. The reason being there is still time to achieve them and whilst we may be afraid that it will crumble and slip from our grasp there is no reward without risk. We understand that if we don't try we can't fail but we also can't succeed either unless we decide to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Essentially then it all boils down to looking back at all the things that we haven't done, thinking about why we haven't done it yet and figuring out how we can now do it.

Day 153

'Trying to think of the word but honestly... I'm stumped', Pen on Paper

We often have that problem when explaining or describing something where I can't quite seem to find the right word and the most  irritating thing being that you know exactly what it is your trying to describe but for whatever reason the word just plain refuses to come out. Instead the word perches silently at the back of your throat gently teasing you by almost making itself audible only to dissolve its oration before it has the chance to roll off your tongue. What then happens is you mentally scroll through the rest of your lexicon of words trying to find something similar enough to force the little bastard out of hiding, the problem is though your trying to think of a secondary word that describes a subject that is best described by the first initial word that you couldn't quite recall. Then if you attempt to source the help of others by attempting to describe the basic parameters of how and where the word would exist it only adds to the confusion. The reasons being, firstly that as we are unable to recall what it is we are trying to say, how then can we possibly describe it in such a way that someone else would be able to guess it. If it were possible that we were able to describe it well enough for someone else to guess the word then surely the word would have already come to mind as we articulated our explanation. Secondly, and partially as a result of our inability to describe what we are trying to say, the person were are involving is too far removed from the original context in which the word was considered to fully grasp our intended meaning. The result being then that the possibilities that they are stating are in no way similar and it only causes things to become more indecipherable and perplexing. 

 So it is fortunate then that eventually the word does come to mind normally when we are in the process of carrying out some sort of remedial and generic task. Which more often than not involves us having one of those eureka moments that involves us shouting out the word in front of a rather bemused group of people and then having to explain our actions. Also thought it was worth noting that I have since discovered that the word that describes this inability to recall words is 'lethologica' which in itself is quite difficult to recall so I'll probably forget that the next time I try to use it.

Day 152

'Comfort', Pen on Paper

We all have our ways of unwinding after a long days work it can be something relatively simple that starts us on the path to recovery, the main aim of this path is of course to get us to a point were we are ready to suffer the whole ordeal again the very next day. It could be that we come home and change out of our work clothes slipping into something more comfortable, we might put on some music and belt out a few hits, maybe we choose to veg out in front of the TV or stick on a movie, we may find that food is the key to easing our stresses or possibly even a cool refreshing beverage is what we need to take the edge off. In any case comfort is more often than not achieved  through the use of non essential objects and items, the types of things that we can easily survive without yet once we have them it is difficult to imagine how we managed to exist before their discovery. Further more we then become very much dependant on these objects as without them our wind down is near impossible but with them it is instantaneous. We again fall victim to the ritualistic nature that is so engrained in us and as a result the slightest deviation from our routine can have a huge affect on how we carry into the following day as if we are unable to unwind one evening we tend to be fairly wound up the next morning ready to snap at a moments notice.

Day 151

'Selective Hearing', Pen and Marker on Paper

Sometimes we hear everything and other times we chose to ignore those mutterings, those whose audibility we don't want to even consider acknowledging, as to do so would suggest that it exists within the realm of rational thought. Whilst ignoring much of what someone is saying can be considered rude the truth of the matter is we have to do this for our own sanity. If we don't censor or drown out the incessant meandering drivel that spills out of people's mouths like piping hot horribly made coffee, each syllabic drop of the conversation splashing onto your lap causing a searing pain that makes you want to scream uncontrollably but you can't because it's not what you do when your in the company of others... that is unless your happy to look like a complete asshole. It becomes about being able to pick out the key elements of a conversation so as to appear as though you actually give a shit, when the truth may be anything but and although it may seem a difficult skill to master you need not fret. The reason I say this is that most of the people who you actually have to do this with constantly are pretty happy to hear the sound of their own voice. So as long as you allow them to rattle on and utilise a few of the following techniques you'll do fine:

- A few affirmative grunts coupled with a nod of acknowledgement. (to show how intensely your listening) 

- A laugh of disbelief whilst saying in your high pitched surprised voice... 'really!' (to show that what you just haven't heard was absolutely shocking)  

- The old shake you head and make a 'pffhhhh' sound with your mouth (to show that there are no words to describe just how upsetting that thing you didn't actual hear was)

- Offer to do something for them that involves some sort of manual task that could be fraught with possible dangers. Something like making a cup of tea, what with all the hot water used or power sanding a donkeys hooves what with all the potential for groin kicks. The specifics of the task are not important but as the task is slathered in risk it requires your attention, meaning people are more understanding if you miss out parts of their story. 

- Keep your responses non specific and to a minimum, as short phrases can potentially act as a response to numerous questions.

The thing is it doesn't really matter if you're not really paying that much attention as normally feigning interest will get you through most interactions. Mainly as the people that you are most likely having to partially ignore aren't even aware as to just how bored, uninterested and close you are to forcing yourself into a self induced coma. The reason being that, as I said a few short sentences ago, they love the sound of their own voice. Their own self involvement in what they're saying means that you could take a trip to the salon and get you nails did, build an effigy of Lou Diamond Phillips out of cat hair and sticks or even have a little nap in the middle and they would be none the wiser. Its a self congratulatory, masturbatory fantasy where they are at the centre of existence and would happily talk over every sentence that you try and utter, as no matter what it is you have achieved they have done the same thing only better. It is for this reason that we should never feel bad for sometimes not paying full attention as they are clearly not paying full attention to us or they would realise just how little we actually care about the predominately one sided conversation that is occurring.